You're Not Really Gone
by Ohmissbriana
Summary: Kendall comes to terms with his emotions after the death of a friend. ANGST.   Diclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush!


Hey guys! I'm not really new to fanfiction (although this is the only story I posted. I lost the password to my old account). But I'm new to the Big Time Rush fandom. So, I'm sorry if this stinks. Just wanted to try my hand at some sadness/angst. Otherwise, enjoy!

You're Not Really Gone

Kendall buttoned up his black shirt, staring at himself in the mirror. The green eyes that usually shone with happiness were instead broken and dull. His entire body felt dull, lifeless, dead.

Dead.

The word kept repeating itself in his head. It intertwined with other words, names, places, people, and things. It was a sad word. It was a word that meant many different things. It could mean dead, as in lifeless. It could mean dead, as in ending. Or it could mean dead, as in plain. The interpretations were endless.

"Kendall." He turned to his doorway, where Katie was standing. "Let's go." He nodded somberly. He glanced at his reflection once more, at the emotionless expression he wore on his face, then walked into the kitchen.

His mother stood there,in a big winter coat, tears running down her face. Kendall gently put an arm around her. "Come on, mom." He guided her to the limo they were taking to the church. His mother cried the whole way there. Kendall could have sworn he saw a tear run down Katie's face too. That wasn't shocking. She had been crying since she had found out the news. Kendall, however, had not cried. He just couldn't believe it enough to acknowledge that his friend was dead.

When he arrived at the church, he hesitated. He didn't know if he had the strength to do this. But he knew he had to. Grabbing the candle that Logan had handed him for the mass, he stepped into the cold, Minnesota night. The air was heavy. Much like it was before it rained. Katie grabbed his arm, latching on to it. His mother patted his back, then latched on to his other arm. As a family, the Knights walked into the church.

The number of people in the church was astounding. So many people had come to pay their respects. He had affected so many people. Kendall saw Carlos and his family. Carlos was crying also, his body shaking with the intensity of it. He saw Camille, and Jo, who had come from the Palm Woods for the funeral. They were holding on to each other, silent tears running down their faces. Along with them were the Jennifers. Next to the Jennifers was Guitar Dude. At the front, Kendall saw Kelly, and even Gustavo sitting next to her, both of them trying to act professional, and failing terribly. The sadness was present on both of their faces, Kelly's eyes glistening with tears also. So many people. All of them were facing the front of the church, where the coffin was present. Kendall knew that if he didn't accept it now, he would be a blubbering mess later. It was time. He needed to say it to himself.

James Diamond was dead.

There. He had accepted it. And he felt even worse now. The mass started, without Kendall even noticing. He was too absorbed in his memories. Playing hockey in Minnesota. James singing every moment he could. The audition that got them to L.A. Almost giving up on that chance to be famous, and James convincing him to continue on. Chasing around Carlos and Logan around the Palm Woods. James' bandannas. The bedroom they had shared while at the Palm Woods. The party they had. The music videos they shot. Recording in the studio. Countless birthdays, Christmases, Easters. And there would never be anymore. At age twenty, such a young age, James' life had ended. It was over. He would never see another Minnesota Christmas. He would never finish his career. He would never be married, and would never have kids. All because a stupid, drunk driver had driven his car of the road. That's why Kendall would never see James again.

"And now," the priest said, "a few words from Kendall Knight."

It seemed that Logan and Carlos had already spoken. Kendall walked up to the closed coffin, passing by a sobbing Mrs. Diamond in the process.

"James," he began. "was egotistic. He was self-centered. He was vain. Obsessed with himself." He paused. "But he was kind. He was caring. He was the person that would do anything for you, no matter how difficult. He was the person everyone looked up to. He would never let anyone down." Kendall felt the pain of losing James entering his words. "He was too young. He never got to do half the things that were on his List of Things To Do Before He Was Twenty. But you know what? I'm going to do all those things. In honor of James. In honor of his brave personality and fearlessness. He was my best friend. And he always will be, everyday that I live. He's with me, I know it. He's with all of us. And after today, you'll all remember one thing: Live everyday like it's your last. Because you have no idea when it's going to end." Kendall rubbed the coffin gently, and then returned to his seat.

After the mass, everyone walked up to the coffin, which was now open, to pay their respects. Kendall refused to go up. He didn't want to see James lifeless, when he loved the James who was cheerful and full of life. That was who he wanted to remember. Kendall was glad to see that neither Carlos or Logan went up either.

They drove to the graveyard, one street away, in silence. After getting out of the car, and burying James, everyone lit the candles that were at the church, and placed them next to the grave. A reminder of the fire, the passion, that James had for everything he believed in. Kendall lit his, placing it next to the tombstone. Everyone had separated into groups around him. He knelt in front of the grave.

"Hi James," he said quietly. He imagined James saying "Hey Kendizzle" in reply. "What happened, bro? How could this have happened?" Kendall hung his head. The tears that had been repressed for so many days let loose, and his body shook with the force of them. "I… I'm going to miss you. A lot. Everyday. Hell, I'll even wear a bandanna around my head before I go to bed everynight." He paused to try and stop some of the tears. "I'm keeping the purple ones, by the way. Just to let you know that your mom hadn't taken them." He felt the wind around him speed up, like James was controlling the wind, and trying to show Kendall he was happy with that. "Logan and Carlos have some of them too. We were going to let your mom keep your lucky comb, but she insisted it be buried with you. God forbid her son has unkempt hair." He smiled and rolled his eyes. "And don't worry. Just incase you have to be judged on looks to get into heaven, we put some 4 by 8 head shots of you in their." He sniffed, tears coming to his eyes once again. "One… bad boy," he choked out. "The other boy- next- door…"

At that point, it became too much for Kendall. Just as he broke down crying, sobs shaking his body, the skies opened up, and it began to pour rain.

What did you think? Review and let me know! Thanks for reading.


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